Slip of the Tongue

I always liked comedy. When I say always, I mean the last 6 years. In my teenage years – which I despise with any bit of my imaginary soul – I was unable to “get” comedy or even laugh. I’m not sure if I knew how to laugh to be honest. I don’t remember me laughing. Smiling? Yes. Twice. I won’t go into that now. I was mostly operating on two (or 2 if you prefer) modes: crying and sulking. I was in sulking mode most of the time – about 90%. It’s like the standby mode on your  computer or ipod. Is there a standby mode on the ipod? Who cares? Anyway, back to my point. I always liked comedy – well, the last 6 years.. What is good comedy though? That is the answer. NOW that little (intentional – yes, intentional) slip of the tongue (not literally as this is a text and the tongue isn’t involved in a text unless you’re typing or writing with it – which is (I think) not very common. On the other hand, if you’re like me, you might move your tongue when you’re writing or thinking sometimes. I promise I’m not as weird as I sound. Not that you can hear me speaking – well most of you can’t anyway.. That is trivial for now.)

Let’s go back to the little slip of the tongue. That is the answer. Well, that slip of the imaginary tongue obviously doesn’t work in text. I’m sure it would work if I was saying that. I’m so sure that I can smile about it. Why you may ask? Well, it’s never going to happen, isn’t it? And that is a very reassuring thought. For me, not for you in  any case. So goodnight.

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“Facebook Era” Rant

Welcome to the Facebook era! Sounds like some kind of twisted B-movie title – or maybe worse. Is there such a thing as a C-movie, or a Z-movie? If you know the answer, please call 088… Only kidding! Just leave a comment. It’s free – for now anyway!

Back to the so-called Facebook era rant. Have you also joined the parade? Have you found all your old beloved classmates? All the people that hated you and all the people you hated? Your enemies, your traitors and your torturers? Good. Well done. Have you also pretended that you liked them? Do they pretend they like you? Excellent. You know how to play the “game”, my friend (or my enemy – doesn’t really matter nowadays. You can always add me on facebook.)

Then someday it happens. You wake up, turn on your computer, check your Facebook page (naturally), and what do you find? An old group photo from your long forgotten but unforgiven high-school years. What’s more? You are tagged. Yes, the present “you” is tagged in an old high school photo and you look – honestly – terrible. Worse than you do now as a matter of fact. Is it possible one may wonder. Of course it is. That’s not a valid reason to wonder.

Back to the photo. They all look so nice, with their old school trainers, baggy trousers and colourful shirts. And, oh my Gosh! What about the hair! The 90s haircuts! Of course, you didn’t have one. You didn’t need one. You only needed a total makeover. To be totally frank with you, I’m not sure if that’d help either. If the “high school- you” was a country, it’d definitely be Greece – or maybe Ireland.
Right. So you look around a bit. Go back to the photo page. Smile. Start wondering why you smiled. Stuck in a vicious circle of self-questioning. When you snap out of it – well you should! – you decide to hit the “like” button and perhaps smile again. In this facebook era, your reptilian brain wins.

PS: I don’t agree with stuff written in this post. I have no responsibility for my alter ego and I don’t hate my old classmates. However, I can sympathise with people that do.

A Little Less Whining…

I may have given the wrong impression. So many posts about me whining about little and not so little things. It’s time to talk about things that I like. Yes, being a teensy bit hypomanic makes the world seem better. Not great or anything; just better.

A few things I liked lately (not that anyone really cares):

1. “Sherlock”. Yes. I’m glad the money I had to pay for the TV licence didn’t go to waste. If you haven’t seen it, please do. It’s brilliant. Baker Street was my old neighbourhood (North Gower Street) and had the film crew (literally!) outside my flat twice this winter. I almost fell on a lamppost thanks to Benedict Cumberbatch. No one saw that, thankfully.

2. Not a great year for music. Hot Chip, The Knife, LCD Soundsystem, JJ, The Drums, The National, and Caribou released excellent albums though..

3. Nevermore: The Imaginary Life and Mysterious Death of Edgar Allan Poe by the Catalyst Theatre. Best performance of 2010 so far. The music was great too.

4. Getting the chance to be at the audience of QI. Jealous? I know you are. If only Stephen Fry had heard our question before the start of the show.. We were asking for Psychology trivia. He heard syphilis instead. What would Freud say? Sorry for that. Freud jokes are not funny.

5. Dirty Projectors at Barbican. Enough said.

Me against Hollywood

So many people claiming that Nolan’s “Inception” made their brains work. Of course it did, it’s the age of the idiots, isn’t it? Yes, I know I’m whining a lot lately, but for Sherlock’s sake, the film was stupid, boring and… superficial. There’s a word that sums it up; Hollywood. It’s getting worse minute by minute, by the way. Special effects, more special effects, loud noises, explosions, gunshots, no need for script at all. You may as well fire all the screenwriters and hire more people to do the special effects.
Do you know what was even worse than the film itself? The movie trailers shown before. PIRANHA?!?! People will pay good money to see a film like this? Just because it’s 3D? Do you need more proof? Aren’t you convinced that we live amongst millions or billions of idiots?

Coming back to “Inception”… Seriously, what was original about it? Hmmmm… If you’re 10, you have a good excuse. Visit your local videostore, DVD store, or torrent site and start watching some older films. Some PROPER films with screenplays and all that. If you need movies that make your brain “work 100% (like some tweeps say)” try watching “Mulholland Drive”, or “Solaris”. Now, if you’re older, do the same. It’s like the whole Benjamin Button thing all over again. Good ideas, hideous writing… The next sentence contains spoilers. You can stop reading now, if you’re planning to watch “Inception” – please don’t. What can be more pretentious than the last scene in “Inception”? This is childish (and pretentious). The perfect Hollywood success recipe: make a movie that seems complex, and deep, but keep it simple, so that people will make sense of it. They’ll leave feeling clever(er) – like they’ve solved a riddle or something. Thus, they’ll end up adoring your movie.

Unfortunately, the financial crisis didn’t generate any great ideas. People have become so numb and dumb… TV is so much better than Hollywood. Dr Who, Sherlock, The IT Crowd, The Big Bang Theory (…) and guess what? You can catch them on repeat on iplayers and watch them on your own without all those annoying people chewing pop-corn in your ear!

PS1: ART isn’t about solving riddles.
PS2: Go watch Sherlock.
PS3: forgot what it was…

Real Life is Boring

It’s the first thing you discover when you finish high school, graduate from uni and try to find a place in the real world. No parental guidance and no filters this time. You can see the whole picture now.. and well quite frankly real life is boring. Pathetically boring. Nothing exciting happens except if you’re an idiot. Then everything’s OK. You never expected anything spectacular anyway. If all you wanted was a normal boring life, a normal boring job, a normal boring wife/husband and a dog, relax, you have nothing to worry about.

Luckily(?), not everyone is like that – even though they are hard to find, there are some people wanting more from life. They want time travel, mystery, adventure, big entrance scenes, music.. Well, I guess we were the ones that read a lot as children, the ones that dreamt a lot, the ones that still daydream. But the reason why we did that is obvious; life is boring. That’s why you – or shall I say we?- got art. The idiots have reality TV. What’s more boring than that? Who wants to see their pathetic neighbours on the small screen? What’s the point?

Anyway, I’m off to the pub to meet the Doctor and Arthur Dent. He promised to bring some Vogon poetry. Sherlock and Watson will join us later. Coming?

Annoying Little Things…

1. My neighbours. All of them. I have no idea what they’re doing running around all night, having sex at the worst possible times or singing stupid latin songs early in the morning. Can’t they just disappear? At least try singing something more interesting (Pet Shop Boys? Morrissey?).

2. Feeling intimidated by important people, who end up being less important than you originally thought. Sometimes it may take you years to realise that.

3. Guilty feelings. Even when there’s no reason to feel guilty. There’s always a reason, though, right? Is there?

4. People who take ages to reply to messages, emails, phone calls. You know who you are! All those emails are written by real PEOPLE and real people have feelings and needs.

5. People with continuous coughing syndrome. Cough once, it’s human. Twice, it’s understood. Then you run out of excuses, mate. Why should I be near your germs? Go to the bathroom or try Halls Cough Drops.

6. Queues. Even the WORD queue is annoying! Enough said.

7. Chocolate products on offer. You can’t resist buying them and after eating them, you regret it.

8. Slow internet connections, not finding wireless networks when you really need them,  slow computers (like the ones you find in libraries) – I’d love to smash one of those someday. In a few words: technology going wrong!

9. Making the Buzzcocks famous song your life motto. Google it, if you can.

10. Spam emails. I don’t want hot dates and I certainly don’t need a penis enlargement!

11. iTunes shufflle/last.fm radio playing a song you hate at the moment you decide to move away from your computer. Now, why does that happen?

12. Coming up with an idea for a great experiment/research/study/book/movie, only to find out that someone has done it months/years/centuries before you. Thanks for nothing, Google.

13. People whining about little things and end up making blogposts about it. Oh… Wait a sec…!

The World Is Full of… Idiots Part 3

I used to be funny since I was a kid. Used to say hilarious jokes and people always laughed at them. Not at me, at them. Well, not always. The idiots didn’t get them and you know that the world is full of idiots. So, only a few people laughed. At least, I did!

One of them, my most successful one, was about 2 tunas, you know the fish. It’s really hilarious, but sometimes some stupid people would go and ruin it. It went like this:

–          Two tunas are out in the city. A mother and her little tuna.

–          Two tunas in the city? Mate, fish live in the water, don’t they?

–          Yeah, it’s only a JOKE.

–          Yes, but this simply can’t happen.

–          Well, don’t think about it. Let me get on with this, alright?

–          OK

–          Suddenly, a big thing made of aluminium appears with people inside. A bus.

–          A bus isn’t made of aluminium, isn’t it?

–          Who cares? It’s a bloody joke…

–          Yes, but it doesn’t make sense…

–          Shut up and let me finish this. You’ll end up crying from laughing, trust me.

–          OK

–          So, the young tuna sees this and looks at its mum. “What’s this big steel thing, mum?” it goes.
The mother replies…

–          Sorry… You said aluminium before… How can it be steel now?

–          Oh for god’s sake…  It’s only a joke.

–          It can’t be for real though, can it?

–          Shut up, mate. It’s almost over, anyway.

–          OK

–          So, the mother goes: “It’s a tin can for humans!” hahahahaha! You got it? A tin can for humans!!

–          Is that it?

–          YEAH, you idiot!

Hilarious, right? Stupid people can’t get a funny joke. They only laugh at gags…  I’m fed up with them, really. I’m thinking of becoming an astronaut and leaving. Well, off I go.

P.S: picture from http://www.karikaturas.lv

The World Is Full of… Idiots Part 1

I don’t know why and who said that people become smarter and smarter. Maybe, it’s scientists going stupider and stupider… All I can see around me are idiots. They can name you all the participants of bloody Fame Story (or <put country’s name here> has got talent), but don’t know any living scientists! Do you think it gets better if they ask them to name a famous scientist – dead or alive? No! The stupidity has no end. In a recent study 23% of Americans couldn’t name any scientists! I’m sure that Europeans would be pathetic, as well…

Fair enough, you don’t care about science, but don’t you at least watch the Simpsons? I mean, Stephen Hawking was in many episodes, wasn’t he? How can you not know Stephen Hawking? Don’t you read the papers, watch the news? He’s not the kind of guy, you can easily forget!

That’s not the only problem, though.

The more you look into it, the worse it gets… What was Enola Gay? The best answer you can get is: “Oh, you mean the song!”… OMD takes a bigger part in our idiotic brains than the World War II… I have nothing against the band and the song. I love the song, but the lives of more than 200,000 people are more important in my book.

Can it get any worse? Oh, yes it can.

Nagasaki and Hiroshima? Do they ring a bell? You best bet is: “Is it some kind of sushi?” Yeah, radioactive human sushi, you idiots!

Dan Ashcroft was so right:

This is how it started…

1986. A terrible year for mankind. The first strike was the Chernobyl accident in…Chernobyl. I don’t know where that place is, but judging by the name it’s not near my street. So, it’s alright. I never paid attention when we did geography at school. I used to make drawings of imaginary people. I wasn’t as talented as I thought, though. You can have it all, right?

Chernobyl accident wasn’t the only disaster that took place in ‘86. A few months later, I was born. Yeah, quite exciting… I was so keen to get out, that my eyes were wide open and my hair combed. Seriously, I was ready to face the world. You see most of the newborn babies looking so pathetic and bad. How can anyone love them? I mean it’s nature’s way to show you, you’ve made a mistake. They’re born with their eyes shut, bald, redish with stupid big heads. They look like horrid living versions of the famous Gollum thing.

You know what’s ever worse? Try telling that to the parents!

–          So what do you think of my baby girl? Isn’t she adorable?

–          Yeah, she’s very beautiful, but she looks a bit like…

–          What?

–          She looks a bit – just a tiny bit – like Gollum

Of course after Peter Jackson’s movie everyone knows what the Gollum is… I wouldn’t like it if anyone called me a Gollum. The parents don’t like it either. So, you just have to lie and pretend that the baby is beautiful, a work of art… Pathetic.

I was talking about my birth. Not talking, writing, but you can just imagine me (or anyone) talking. No one should ever slag me off for being late to appointments and dates. I was right on time at the most crucial moment of my life, ain’t that enough? I was born after an appointment. Oh yes… The doctor said to my mom to be at the hospital around 3. That’s what she did. I arrived at exactly the estimated time. No pain, no screams, no cinematic scenes. Well, apart from the standard baby tears. I had to cry when I came out. All babies know it. You see the lights, start crying! If you don’t cry, you’re dead.  I was a clever baby – and quite beautiful, for a baby that is. Things went wrong later. I was so perfect then. Maybe I still am, who knows?

I couldn’t wait to get out, to be born, to live. Little did I know… It took me 2 years to figure it out. Till then I was a happy stupid child, an aspiring artist and an excellent dancer. Yes, I used to dance in the church. The priests were singing their…thing and I started dancing around. Half the church was laughing and the other half was suppressing a laugh. You can say that I was a success from the start. Have you ever seen what kind of people hang in church? No sense of humour. Word of advice: make them laugh and you can get anyone laugh.