Slip of the Tongue

I always liked comedy. When I say always, I mean the last 6 years. In my teenage years – which I despise with any bit of my imaginary soul – I was unable to “get” comedy or even laugh. I’m not sure if I knew how to laugh to be honest. I don’t remember me laughing. Smiling? Yes. Twice. I won’t go into that now. I was mostly operating on two (or 2 if you prefer) modes: crying and sulking. I was in sulking mode most of the time – about 90%. It’s like the standby mode on your  computer or ipod. Is there a standby mode on the ipod? Who cares? Anyway, back to my point. I always liked comedy – well, the last 6 years.. What is good comedy though? That is the answer. NOW that little (intentional – yes, intentional) slip of the tongue (not literally as this is a text and the tongue isn’t involved in a text unless you’re typing or writing with it – which is (I think) not very common. On the other hand, if you’re like me, you might move your tongue when you’re writing or thinking sometimes. I promise I’m not as weird as I sound. Not that you can hear me speaking – well most of you can’t anyway.. That is trivial for now.)

Let’s go back to the little slip of the tongue. That is the answer. Well, that slip of the imaginary tongue obviously doesn’t work in text. I’m sure it would work if I was saying that. I’m so sure that I can smile about it. Why you may ask? Well, it’s never going to happen, isn’t it? And that is a very reassuring thought. For me, not for you in  any case. So goodnight.

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I wasn’t planning to add a new post today but after my amazing discovery I had to! As you can possibly see on the title of this post, still water – yes, still water – is suitable for vegetarians! Isn’t it exciting?! Finally, you know! Drinking an extra glass (of still water) won’t make you feel guilty any more. You won’t be responsible for the death and suffering of little animals. Yes, dear readers, you can start enjoying still water! Now you know! Even if you’re not a vegetarian – if you are, please send me a fat cheque, I just saved your life! – you can consume 5, 6 or even 10 glasses a day. Isn’t it incredible?

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PS: To (still) water!

PS2: Please note that other types of water might not be suitable for vegetarians. Or they may contain nuts.

“Facebook Era” Rant

Welcome to the Facebook era! Sounds like some kind of twisted B-movie title – or maybe worse. Is there such a thing as a C-movie, or a Z-movie? If you know the answer, please call 088… Only kidding! Just leave a comment. It’s free – for now anyway!

Back to the so-called Facebook era rant. Have you also joined the parade? Have you found all your old beloved classmates? All the people that hated you and all the people you hated? Your enemies, your traitors and your torturers? Good. Well done. Have you also pretended that you liked them? Do they pretend they like you? Excellent. You know how to play the “game”, my friend (or my enemy – doesn’t really matter nowadays. You can always add me on facebook.)

Then someday it happens. You wake up, turn on your computer, check your Facebook page (naturally), and what do you find? An old group photo from your long forgotten but unforgiven high-school years. What’s more? You are tagged. Yes, the present “you” is tagged in an old high school photo and you look – honestly – terrible. Worse than you do now as a matter of fact. Is it possible one may wonder. Of course it is. That’s not a valid reason to wonder.

Back to the photo. They all look so nice, with their old school trainers, baggy trousers and colourful shirts. And, oh my Gosh! What about the hair! The 90s haircuts! Of course, you didn’t have one. You didn’t need one. You only needed a total makeover. To be totally frank with you, I’m not sure if that’d help either. If the “high school- you” was a country, it’d definitely be Greece – or maybe Ireland.
Right. So you look around a bit. Go back to the photo page. Smile. Start wondering why you smiled. Stuck in a vicious circle of self-questioning. When you snap out of it – well you should! – you decide to hit the “like” button and perhaps smile again. In this facebook era, your reptilian brain wins.

PS: I don’t agree with stuff written in this post. I have no responsibility for my alter ego and I don’t hate my old classmates. However, I can sympathise with people that do.

Me against Hollywood

So many people claiming that Nolan’s “Inception” made their brains work. Of course it did, it’s the age of the idiots, isn’t it? Yes, I know I’m whining a lot lately, but for Sherlock’s sake, the film was stupid, boring and… superficial. There’s a word that sums it up; Hollywood. It’s getting worse minute by minute, by the way. Special effects, more special effects, loud noises, explosions, gunshots, no need for script at all. You may as well fire all the screenwriters and hire more people to do the special effects.
Do you know what was even worse than the film itself? The movie trailers shown before. PIRANHA?!?! People will pay good money to see a film like this? Just because it’s 3D? Do you need more proof? Aren’t you convinced that we live amongst millions or billions of idiots?

Coming back to “Inception”… Seriously, what was original about it? Hmmmm… If you’re 10, you have a good excuse. Visit your local videostore, DVD store, or torrent site and start watching some older films. Some PROPER films with screenplays and all that. If you need movies that make your brain “work 100% (like some tweeps say)” try watching “Mulholland Drive”, or “Solaris”. Now, if you’re older, do the same. It’s like the whole Benjamin Button thing all over again. Good ideas, hideous writing… The next sentence contains spoilers. You can stop reading now, if you’re planning to watch “Inception” – please don’t. What can be more pretentious than the last scene in “Inception”? This is childish (and pretentious). The perfect Hollywood success recipe: make a movie that seems complex, and deep, but keep it simple, so that people will make sense of it. They’ll leave feeling clever(er) – like they’ve solved a riddle or something. Thus, they’ll end up adoring your movie.

Unfortunately, the financial crisis didn’t generate any great ideas. People have become so numb and dumb… TV is so much better than Hollywood. Dr Who, Sherlock, The IT Crowd, The Big Bang Theory (…) and guess what? You can catch them on repeat on iplayers and watch them on your own without all those annoying people chewing pop-corn in your ear!

PS1: ART isn’t about solving riddles.
PS2: Go watch Sherlock.
PS3: forgot what it was…

A Short Cartoon about Time

You’ll probably know David Firth’s Salad Fingers. If you don’t, leave this page NOW and click here .

Here’s one of my favourite videos by Firth. The guy is a genius. If you like Lynch, surrealism and dark comedy you’ll probably like it too.

Annoying Little Things…

1. My neighbours. All of them. I have no idea what they’re doing running around all night, having sex at the worst possible times or singing stupid latin songs early in the morning. Can’t they just disappear? At least try singing something more interesting (Pet Shop Boys? Morrissey?).

2. Feeling intimidated by important people, who end up being less important than you originally thought. Sometimes it may take you years to realise that.

3. Guilty feelings. Even when there’s no reason to feel guilty. There’s always a reason, though, right? Is there?

4. People who take ages to reply to messages, emails, phone calls. You know who you are! All those emails are written by real PEOPLE and real people have feelings and needs.

5. People with continuous coughing syndrome. Cough once, it’s human. Twice, it’s understood. Then you run out of excuses, mate. Why should I be near your germs? Go to the bathroom or try Halls Cough Drops.

6. Queues. Even the WORD queue is annoying! Enough said.

7. Chocolate products on offer. You can’t resist buying them and after eating them, you regret it.

8. Slow internet connections, not finding wireless networks when you really need them,  slow computers (like the ones you find in libraries) – I’d love to smash one of those someday. In a few words: technology going wrong!

9. Making the Buzzcocks famous song your life motto. Google it, if you can.

10. Spam emails. I don’t want hot dates and I certainly don’t need a penis enlargement!

11. iTunes shufflle/last.fm radio playing a song you hate at the moment you decide to move away from your computer. Now, why does that happen?

12. Coming up with an idea for a great experiment/research/study/book/movie, only to find out that someone has done it months/years/centuries before you. Thanks for nothing, Google.

13. People whining about little things and end up making blogposts about it. Oh… Wait a sec…!

The World Is Full of… Idiots Part 3

I used to be funny since I was a kid. Used to say hilarious jokes and people always laughed at them. Not at me, at them. Well, not always. The idiots didn’t get them and you know that the world is full of idiots. So, only a few people laughed. At least, I did!

One of them, my most successful one, was about 2 tunas, you know the fish. It’s really hilarious, but sometimes some stupid people would go and ruin it. It went like this:

–          Two tunas are out in the city. A mother and her little tuna.

–          Two tunas in the city? Mate, fish live in the water, don’t they?

–          Yeah, it’s only a JOKE.

–          Yes, but this simply can’t happen.

–          Well, don’t think about it. Let me get on with this, alright?

–          OK

–          Suddenly, a big thing made of aluminium appears with people inside. A bus.

–          A bus isn’t made of aluminium, isn’t it?

–          Who cares? It’s a bloody joke…

–          Yes, but it doesn’t make sense…

–          Shut up and let me finish this. You’ll end up crying from laughing, trust me.

–          OK

–          So, the young tuna sees this and looks at its mum. “What’s this big steel thing, mum?” it goes.
The mother replies…

–          Sorry… You said aluminium before… How can it be steel now?

–          Oh for god’s sake…  It’s only a joke.

–          It can’t be for real though, can it?

–          Shut up, mate. It’s almost over, anyway.

–          OK

–          So, the mother goes: “It’s a tin can for humans!” hahahahaha! You got it? A tin can for humans!!

–          Is that it?

–          YEAH, you idiot!

Hilarious, right? Stupid people can’t get a funny joke. They only laugh at gags…  I’m fed up with them, really. I’m thinking of becoming an astronaut and leaving. Well, off I go.

P.S: picture from http://www.karikaturas.lv

How I found the £300 Cat…

My birthday was a few days ago. Sad day.. You can’t survive without alcohol. So, I decided to go out with a couple of friends to celebrate – or to forget the fact that I’m growing old. Yes, 23 is old. I’m old enough for MySpace for one thing. I was 18 when I joined it… I know! It’s pathetic, I still have an account… Anyway! My subject was the £300 cat, not my old age.

On my way home and after having spend almost €100 (around £86) on drinks, I saw IT! The paper that was about to change my life – did I get your attention? Great… A short notice was posted on a tree. It read:

“My beloved Siamese cat is missing. It was lost in [name of the place].

£300

15 something street, Athens”

That was exciting! I had time to kill, so I decided to search for the little cat. Siamese cats are pretty rare. I guess it would be easy to find it. I was right. It took me only 8 hours…

(7:45 hours later)

There he/she was! Standing in the middle of a park, looking at my direction. The idiot had forgotten to mention the cat’s name… How was I supposed to call… he or she.. I’ll call it IT from now on. I still don’t know what its sex was. I don’t care. Do you? They’re all the same, right? Stupid animals…

“Cat!” I cried

The animal stood still. Didn’t bother to reply. No manners for a grown up cat. “Shame” I thought.

“Kittie?” I said hoping that it’d work.

Nothing happened. The cat ignored me once more. I tried calling it all the usual cat names  with no luck.

“£300 cat, come here!” I said and moved slowly closer to the lost animal. To my surprise the cat started coming my way, meowing. I grabbed it and threw it in my car’s trunk. Now, before calling PETA, let me say that it was the only way to return the animal back to its owner. I didn’t have a cage and it was too late to buy one. I saved it. It would have spent a terrible night in the park all by herself surrounding by other mysterious and potentially dangerous cat. What if it was raped? See? I did a good thing. Put the receiver down. You can send an e-mail, if you want. They never answer. Anyway!

It was 5 in the morning, but I had to get rid of the cat. I found the address written on the notice and rang the bell. The owner was awake. Perfectly normal for an old lady.

“Hello” I said carrying the cat in my hands.

“Who are you?” the old lady opened the door.

“I brought your cat…”

“£300?”

“Yes, that’d be great!”

“You brought my £300?”

“No… I brought the cat.” At this point the old lady took the cat from my hands and hugged it.

“Oh £300 I though I’d never see you again!” she exclaimed and I could see she was crying… tears of joy.

“Sorry…” I said. “What about my money?”

“Money?” She looked genuinly puzzled. “Alzheimer’s?” I thought.

“Yes, these paper things and the coins…”

“I know what money is, you lady!”

“Ehm.. Yeah… You wrote that the reward would be £300…for finding the cat”

“When did It do that?”

“On the notice on the tree about a mile away from here…”

“Oh no! £300 is the name of the cat.”

“Sorry?”

“I have no money to waste. I have needs, you know” she said and slammed the door to my face.

“Thank you“

Another night ruined by idiots… What kind of name is that? Only Scrooge McDuck would call his cat £300…

The world is full of… idiots part 2

Idiots are everywhere… Just look at the poor man in the street, the girl with her newborn baby waiting in queues, your family doctor with his gigantic old school glasses, your maths teacher, your best friend, your worst enemy… We live in a world made by idiots for idiots. We’re very sorry if you’re more gifted than the rest, sir. You’ll have to put up with them and possibly marry one of them someday.

Don’t panic! Sometimes these idiots can be quite useful.. Here’s an idea:

(video from Chris Morris’ “Jam”)

The World Is Full of… Idiots Part 1

I don’t know why and who said that people become smarter and smarter. Maybe, it’s scientists going stupider and stupider… All I can see around me are idiots. They can name you all the participants of bloody Fame Story (or <put country’s name here> has got talent), but don’t know any living scientists! Do you think it gets better if they ask them to name a famous scientist – dead or alive? No! The stupidity has no end. In a recent study 23% of Americans couldn’t name any scientists! I’m sure that Europeans would be pathetic, as well…

Fair enough, you don’t care about science, but don’t you at least watch the Simpsons? I mean, Stephen Hawking was in many episodes, wasn’t he? How can you not know Stephen Hawking? Don’t you read the papers, watch the news? He’s not the kind of guy, you can easily forget!

That’s not the only problem, though.

The more you look into it, the worse it gets… What was Enola Gay? The best answer you can get is: “Oh, you mean the song!”… OMD takes a bigger part in our idiotic brains than the World War II… I have nothing against the band and the song. I love the song, but the lives of more than 200,000 people are more important in my book.

Can it get any worse? Oh, yes it can.

Nagasaki and Hiroshima? Do they ring a bell? You best bet is: “Is it some kind of sushi?” Yeah, radioactive human sushi, you idiots!

Dan Ashcroft was so right: