Archive Page 2

27
Nov
09

Annoying Little Things…

1. My neighbours. All of them. I have no idea what they’re doing running around all night, having sex at the worst possible times or singing stupid latin songs early in the morning. Can’t they just disappear? At least try singing something more interesting (Pet Shop Boys? Morrissey?).

2. Feeling intimidated by important people, who end up being less important than you originally thought. Sometimes it may take you years to realise that.

3. Guilty feelings. Even when there’s no reason to feel guilty. There’s always a reason, though, right? Is there?

4. People who take ages to reply to messages, emails, phone calls. You know who you are! All those emails are written by real PEOPLE and real people have feelings and needs.

5. People with continuous coughing syndrome. Cough once, it’s human. Twice, it’s understood. Then you run out of excuses, mate. Why should I be near your germs? Go to the bathroom or try Halls Cough Drops.

6. Queues. Even the WORD queue is annoying! Enough said.

7. Chocolate products on offer. You can’t resist buying them and after eating them, you regret it.

8. Slow internet connections, not finding wireless networks when you really need them,  slow computers (like the ones you find in libraries) – I’d love to smash one of those someday. In a few words: technology going wrong!

9. Making the Buzzcocks famous song your life motto. Google it, if you can.

10. Spam emails. I don’t want hot dates and I certainly don’t need a penis enlargement!

11. iTunes shufflle/last.fm radio playing a song you hate at the moment you decide to move away from your computer. Now, why does that happen?

12. Coming up with an idea for a great experiment/research/study/book/movie, only to find out that someone has done it months/years/centuries before you. Thanks for nothing, Google.

13. People whining about little things and end up making blogposts about it. Oh… Wait a sec…!

28
Aug
09

The World Is Full of… Idiots Part 3

I used to be funny since I was a kid. Used to say hilarious jokes and people always laughed at them. Not at me, at them. Well, not always. The idiots didn’t get them and you know that the world is full of idiots. So, only a few people laughed. At least, I did!

One of them, my most successful one, was about 2 tunas, you know the fish. It’s really hilarious, but sometimes some stupid people would go and ruin it. It went like this:

–          Two tunas are out in the city. A mother and her little tuna.

–          Two tunas in the city? Mate, fish live in the water, don’t they?

–          Yeah, it’s only a JOKE.

–          Yes, but this simply can’t happen.

–          Well, don’t think about it. Let me get on with this, alright?

–          OK

–          Suddenly, a big thing made of aluminium appears with people inside. A bus.

–          A bus isn’t made of aluminium, isn’t it?

–          Who cares? It’s a bloody joke…

–          Yes, but it doesn’t make sense…

–          Shut up and let me finish this. You’ll end up crying from laughing, trust me.

–          OK

–          So, the young tuna sees this and looks at its mum. “What’s this big steel thing, mum?” it goes.
The mother replies…

–          Sorry… You said aluminium before… How can it be steel now?

–          Oh for god’s sake…  It’s only a joke.

–          It can’t be for real though, can it?

–          Shut up, mate. It’s almost over, anyway.

–          OK

–          So, the mother goes: “It’s a tin can for humans!” hahahahaha! You got it? A tin can for humans!!

–          Is that it?

–          YEAH, you idiot!

Hilarious, right? Stupid people can’t get a funny joke. They only laugh at gags…  I’m fed up with them, really. I’m thinking of becoming an astronaut and leaving. Well, off I go.

P.S: picture from http://www.karikaturas.lv

21
Aug
09

How I found the £300 Cat…

Masya 3My birthday was a few days ago. Sad day.. You can’t survive without alcohol. So, I decided to go out with a couple of friends to celebrate – or to forget the fact that I’m growing old. Yes, 23 is old. I’m old enough for MySpace for one thing. I was 18 when I joined it… I know! It’s pathetic, I still have an account… Anyway! My subject was the £300 cat, not my old age.

On my way home and after having spend almost €100 (around £86) on drinks, I saw IT! The paper that was about to change my life – did I get your attention? Great… A short notice was posted on a tree. It read:

“My beloved Siamese cat is missing. It was lost in [name of the place].

£300

15 something street, Athens”

That was exciting! I had time to kill, so I decided to search for the little cat. Siamese cats are pretty rare. I guess it would be easy to find it. I was right. It took me only 8 hours…

(7:45 hours later)

There he/she was! Standing in the middle of a park, looking at my direction. The idiot had forgotten to mention the cat’s name… How was I supposed to call… he or she.. I’ll call it IT from now on. I still don’t know what its sex was. I don’t care. Do you? They’re all the same, right? Stupid animals…

“Cat!” I cried

The animal stood still. Didn’t bother to reply. No manners for a grown up cat. “Shame” I thought.

“Kittie?” I said hoping that it’d work.

Nothing happened. The cat ignored me once more. I tried calling it all the usual cat names  with no luck.

“£300 cat, come here!” I said and moved slowly closer to the lost animal. To my surprise the cat started coming my way, meowing. I grabbed it and threw it in my car’s trunk. Now, before calling PETA, let me say that it was the only way to return the animal back to its owner. I didn’t have a cage and it was too late to buy one. I saved it. It would have spent a terrible night in the park all by herself surrounding by other mysterious and potentially dangerous cat. What if it was raped? See? I did a good thing. Put the receiver down. You can send an e-mail, if you want. They never answer. Anyway!

It was 5 in the morning, but I had to get rid of the cat. I found the address written on the notice and rang the bell. The owner was awake. Perfectly normal for an old lady.

“Hello” I said carrying the cat in my hands.

“Who are you?” the old lady opened the door.

“I brought your cat…”

“£300?”

“Yes, that’d be great!”

“You brought my £300?”

“No… I brought the cat.” At this point the old lady took the cat from my hands and hugged it.

“Oh £300 I though I’d never see you again!” she exclaimed and I could see she was crying… tears of joy.

“Sorry…” I said. “What about my money?”

“Money?” She looked genuinly puzzled. “Alzheimer’s?” I thought.

“Yes, these paper things and the coins…”

“I know what money is, you lady!”

“Ehm.. Yeah… You wrote that the reward would be £300…for finding the cat”

“When did It do that?”

“On the notice on the tree about a mile away from here…”

“Oh no! £300 is the name of the cat.”

“Sorry?”

“I have no money to waste. I have needs, you know” she said and slammed the door to my face.

Thank you

Another night ruined by idiots… What kind of name is that? Only Scrooge McDuck would call his cat £300…

15
Aug
09

The world is full of… idiots part 2

Idiots are everywhere… Just look at the poor man in the street, the girl with her newborn baby waiting in queues, your family doctor with his gigantic old school glasses, your maths teacher, your best friend, your worst enemy… We live in a world made by idiots for idiots. We’re very sorry if you’re more gifted than the rest, sir. You’ll have to put up with them and possibly marry one of them someday.

Don’t panic! Sometimes these idiots can be quite useful.. Here’s an idea:

(video from Chris Morris’ “Jam”)

08
Aug
09

The Best Answer To Rejection Ever (By Bernard Black)

Rejected? No worries. Bernard Black is here:

Maybe, I should try this next time…

02
Aug
09

The World Is Full of… Idiots Part 1

I don’t know why and who said that people become smarter and smarter. Maybe, it’s scientists going stupider and stupider… All I can see around me are idiots. They can name you all the participants of bloody Fame Story (or <put country’s name here> has got talent), but don’t know any living scientists! Do you think it gets better if they ask them to name a famous scientist – dead or alive? No! The stupidity has no end. In a recent study 23% of Americans couldn’t name any scientists! I’m sure that Europeans would be pathetic, as well…

Fair enough, you don’t care about science, but don’t you at least watch the Simpsons? I mean, Stephen Hawking was in many episodes, wasn’t he? How can you not know Stephen Hawking? Don’t you read the papers, watch the news? He’s not the kind of guy, you can easily forget!

That’s not the only problem, though.

The more you look into it, the worse it gets… What was Enola Gay? The best answer you can get is: “Oh, you mean the song!”… OMD takes a bigger part in our idiotic brains than the World War II… I have nothing against the band and the song. I love the song, but the lives of more than 200,000 people are more important in my book.

Can it get any worse? Oh, yes it can.

Nagasaki and Hiroshima? Do they ring a bell? You best bet is: “Is it some kind of sushi?” Yeah, radioactive human sushi, you idiots!

Dan Ashcroft was so right:

01
Aug
09

This is how it started…

1986. A terrible year for mankind. The first strike was the Chernobyl accident in…Chernobyl. I don’t know where that place is, but judging by the name it’s not near my street. So, it’s alright. I never paid attention when we did geography at school. I used to make drawings of imaginary people. I wasn’t as talented as I thought, though. You can have it all, right?

Chernobyl accident wasn’t the only disaster that took place in ‘86. A few months later, I was born. Yeah, quite exciting… I was so keen to get out, that my eyes were wide open and my hair combed. Seriously, I was ready to face the world. You see most of the newborn babies looking so pathetic and bad. How can anyone love them? I mean it’s nature’s way to show you, you’ve made a mistake. They’re born with their eyes shut, bald, redish with stupid big heads. They look like horrid living versions of the famous Gollum thing.

You know what’s ever worse? Try telling that to the parents!

–          So what do you think of my baby girl? Isn’t she adorable?

–          Yeah, she’s very beautiful, but she looks a bit like…

–          What?

–          She looks a bit – just a tiny bit – like Gollum

Of course after Peter Jackson’s movie everyone knows what the Gollum is… I wouldn’t like it if anyone called me a Gollum. The parents don’t like it either. So, you just have to lie and pretend that the baby is beautiful, a work of art… Pathetic.

I was talking about my birth. Not talking, writing, but you can just imagine me (or anyone) talking. No one should ever slag me off for being late to appointments and dates. I was right on time at the most crucial moment of my life, ain’t that enough? I was born after an appointment. Oh yes… The doctor said to my mom to be at the hospital around 3. That’s what she did. I arrived at exactly the estimated time. No pain, no screams, no cinematic scenes. Well, apart from the standard baby tears. I had to cry when I came out. All babies know it. You see the lights, start crying! If you don’t cry, you’re dead.  I was a clever baby – and quite beautiful, for a baby that is. Things went wrong later. I was so perfect then. Maybe I still am, who knows?

I couldn’t wait to get out, to be born, to live. Little did I know… It took me 2 years to figure it out. Till then I was a happy stupid child, an aspiring artist and an excellent dancer. Yes, I used to dance in the church. The priests were singing their…thing and I started dancing around. Half the church was laughing and the other half was suppressing a laugh. You can say that I was a success from the start. Have you ever seen what kind of people hang in church? No sense of humour. Word of advice: make them laugh and you can get anyone laugh.




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